That's the Problem
A dear friend wrote me and suggested that my current feelings may have nothing to do with the status of the current relationship and everything to do with me entering into an agitated state. He stressed that I should be thinking, concentrating more about my condition and I guess the rest will follow.
But that is the problem. I don't want to think about manic depression and the fact that I am. When I think about that I obsess about it and then that is all I become: bipolar. I am nothing else it is the definition of me.
I know what he was saying, he was telling me that in order to manage this illness, we need to be constantly monitoring it; however I am still at the stage of all or nothing: think about it, that's all I am, ignore it, it's not happening until the wheels come off the wagon. He is right, I need to be more aware of the feelings I am having and constantly measure and filter those feelings between normal reactions to life events and symptoms of this disease.
That fucking sucks. How do they expect a crazy person to know the difference between normal feelings and my crazy fucked up illness feelings?
And there it is.
But that is the problem. I don't want to think about manic depression and the fact that I am. When I think about that I obsess about it and then that is all I become: bipolar. I am nothing else it is the definition of me.
I know what he was saying, he was telling me that in order to manage this illness, we need to be constantly monitoring it; however I am still at the stage of all or nothing: think about it, that's all I am, ignore it, it's not happening until the wheels come off the wagon. He is right, I need to be more aware of the feelings I am having and constantly measure and filter those feelings between normal reactions to life events and symptoms of this disease.
That fucking sucks. How do they expect a crazy person to know the difference between normal feelings and my crazy fucked up illness feelings?
And there it is.
posted by Manica at 12:53 PM
7 Comments:
That fucking sucks. How do they expect a crazy person to know the difference between normal feelings and my crazy fucked up illness feelings?
Oh my god you are SO RIGHT ON with this. I hate it. I tell my husband it's exhausting being me. I have to analyze every thought, every word out of my mouth, every thing I do. It sucks!
It could be an agitated state. Just roll with it, babe.
Throwing relationships with other human beings who act irrationally doesn't exactly improve the matter either...
No one ever acts rationally in a relationship. ;)
While I agree with your friend that your current feelings have nothing to do with the status of your CURRENT relationship, I'm going to disagree with his assessment about your agitated state and what to do about it.
Your current feelings are the result of your current feelings - PERIOD. Your agitated state (which is part of your current feelings) is the result of thinking of 10 years of a failing relationship with your ex.
The bipolar disorder does make the situation slightly different, though. Bipolar disorder is not the cause of your feelings, but it is accentuating and amplifying your own thoughts. Think of bipolar disorder not as a bunch of bad (or good) moods, but as a catalyst for making normal moods worse (or artificially "better") than normally possible... We run spirals around certain thoughts until they are so overblown in our heads that we can no longer sanely act upon them. Unfortunately, we have to admit that the thoughts that we started with are our own thoughts. Fortunately, we can recognize (with practice) when we have allowed our illness taken over and (with LOTS of practice) do something about it and maybe (with LOTS and LOTS of practice) we can form habits that might be able to reduce the problems of the illness. That is what managing the illness is really about.
That is what you need to be aware of and monitor - you have to watch for blowing things out of propotion (for worse or for better) and when you find yourself doing that, redirect your thoughts elsewhere to calm your nerves, using outside help whenever necessary or possible... and after you've stopped spiralling, go back to re-think things. It isn't as easy, but it is do-able.
Stop thinking that you are crazy - you are NOT.
Stop being paranoid about the illness - that is a self-perpetuating symptom of the illness!
Have hope... but continue to be watchful for the next spiral.
And don't dismiss your current feelings, especially for the new man (if that was what you were talking about... after having re-read your post, I'm not sure I understood the context). Your feelings, for the new man and for the morning breakdown, have a legitimate basis. He sounds like a great guy... whatever feelings you have for him sound perfectly normal.
NOTE: I'll admit that this isn't the medical view of bipolar disorder, but for me, it seems to work better than the advice of psychiatrists. If it works for you, great! If it doesn't... I'm afraid you'll have to deal with the standard psychiatric advice. I'm not a psychiatrist, but then again, most psychiatrists just reiterate whatever they were taught in school because it's easier than thinking for themselves... actually, that's the truth for most people in general.
I assume you're talking about me. And I stand by what I said with this proviso: you don't have to be constantly monitoring things, just checking in and reflecting.
Incidentally, Manica, you wrote to me asking my advice. I think you should fess up this point.
OK, this is my last word on this thread where I have already said too much. Because a private email which I posted was alluded to here, I have posted the text of that email at my web site with comments off:
http://paxnortona.notfrisco2.com/?p=3971
I would urge Manica and the others to read it so that there is a fair understanding of what was said and intended. I hate being criticized for things that I did not say.
I am not ashamed of what I said. I caution everyone to be careful of commenting on any document which they have not seen.
Having a better understanding now of what was and wasn't said, I'll comment from a completely different standpoint...
How can we know the difference between normal feelings and feelings overblown by illness? Well, the easiest way is doing what you've already done - getting friendly advice. Friends - not the kind that incite your feelings (which really are bad to have since the bipolar disorder does that already), but the ones that help you reflect upon them - can help you get a third-person objective view of what you tell them about.
But I still say this: stop thinking you're crazy. It doesn't help you.
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